Humorous Quotations About Listening, Part One

March 5, 2008

Now that March has arrived, it is  International Listening Awareness Month (sponsored by the International Listening Association); let’s take some time to enjoy several humorous quotations about listening. This posting is part one of a three-part series.

History repeats itself because no one listens the first time. — Anonymous

Conversation: a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. — Anonymous

“You know, it’s at times like this when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young!” “Why, what did she tell you?” “I don’t know, I didn’t listen!” — Douglas Adams

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said. — Anonymous

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.— Anonymous

It’s my job to talk and yours to listen, but please, let me know if you finish before I do. — Anonymous

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. — Marcel Archard

To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it suspects you’re going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor’s spouse, an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna’s loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.— Dave Barry 

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. — Ambrose Bierce

An actor’s a guy who if you ain’t talkin’ about him, ain’t listening. — Marlon Brando

It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear. — Dick Cavett

I’ll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I’d listen to it! — Tom Galloway


One comment

  1. […] parts one and two of this […]

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